Ginger is my daughter; I gave birth to her a day before Valentine’s Day of 2004 when everybody at our University was so busy for the Foundation Day. I was supposed to name her Carmen Gabrielle. The name Carmen was my favorite actress’ name. But her father wanted her named Ginger Elizabeth. “Ginger” came from their band’s name – Ginger Alley, and he added Elizabeth because he finds it formal. I call her Gin, she carries my surname.
She asks so many questions. Sometimes I get irritated especially when I don’t know how to answer her. Or whenever she asks those nonsense questions like “Why does Tuesday comes after Monday”. I was left scratching my brow. I don’t want her growing up with the wrong impression towards the world around her. Life is sometimes so unfair. But with positive outlook towards life, you can simply appreciate that you are still breathing after all the atrocities around you. After all, life is beautiful. Life is what you make it.
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She has her own youtube account, with that she’s able to have her favorite videos listed in her own site. She can have Kratos’ video in it’s own play list. But she always ends up having none. She became friends with some of my friends in that site. One time, she saw Deyannah’s profile picture. She said in full amazement “Ma, she’s pretty”, followed with “Why does she have golden hair and we have black hair?” I chuckle and said to her: “God created her that way, in her own unique way, you find her pretty because she looks appealing and you don’t see a girl with golden hair around our neighborhood… but you know what? When we had some short conversations she told me that you are cute, cuddly and pretty as well. And she wanted a baby like you”. “She said that?” “Yes she did”. “Then why on t.v., they’re saying that girl’s with whiter fairer skin is much more beautiful than those with darker skin?” My mind is telling me… “Yes I’ve seen that ad too, it brings memories from childhood and somewhat gotten really pissed off…” I sighed, and told her “Sometimes, what the other people are saying doesn’t matter, keep in mind that you are beautiful in your own unique way, if everyone else around you tells you that you are not, don’t get angry at them or don’t pity yourself. Instead ask them why they say so, there’s nothing wrong with asking why, if their reason was the color of your skin, that can never assess how beautiful you can be, if everybody loves chinky eyes, and you have almond eyes, tell them that you got them from me, something I’ve got from your grandmother. Sometimes it’s such an disapproving world out there…sometimes they will make you feel insecure… always look on the positive side of the things around you, do not hesitate to conform with the right things and never waver to rebel on the wrong ones, you are beautiful in your own unique way. Remember what Deyannah told about you? What makes you beautiful is the way you see things around you.” She was having those side stares. Maybe she absorbed the idea. She gotten tired browsing on Y8, She went out and played. Childhood only happens once; some children don’t have the luxury of enjoying their time.
That night before I went to sleep I remembered our conversation about the color of her skin. I really don’t know if I cleared her mind on that part. When I was her age I was so scared to ask question, end result- I discovered things in my own discreet way. I grew up with that kind of thinking that those people with whiter/fairer skin are much more beautiful that those with darker tone. I know that I am so freeeaking wrong. There even came a time wherein I was lured into buying whitening products, but I stopped using them not because they’re not effective as what they claim but because I accepted the fact that it runs in my gene.
Beauty is seen not by the eyes alone.
So great to look back on my childhood days that I enjoyed the heat of the sun, I enjoyed playing on the streets, climb a tree, gotten poisoned eating some fruits from the mini-forest at the back of the community where we live, really pissed my mother when I got myself, my two sisters an the rest of the kids around the neighborhood hospitalized because of that cute looking yummy fruit that tastes like nuts. If I religiously obeyed my mother that I should be home as soon as my class is over, I wouldn’t get myself stuck in the mud knee-deep with Theresa. I experienced to stumble and fall having my knees bruised and have those battle scars of my youth. Those were the days that made me feel free. The only casualty of my childhood battle in the street was the color of my skin. But the fun is much more worth it than regrets.
We only have one lifetime, a lifetime of pursuit of happiness.
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One time, before I put her to sleep I read her a story about Job, from the book that I had since I was in kinder. She saw an image of Job with skin disease all over his body. She asked me: “Ma, Why did Job suffered that much?” I told her: “He has been placed in a great trial of faith, when the evil spirit, God’s enemy, saw that Job loves God so much, he wanted to steal him away from God, but at the end he never succeeded. And Job, although he had lost so much on the process of the trial, he was blessed in two folds. Because God knows that Job deserves to be blessed.” She was keenly listening to what I’m saying. She just whispered, “I better be good, I don’t want to have that skin disease all over my body”. We exchanged thought, asked her some questions about the story, in that way I could assess whether she understood the whole idea of the story. Until she fell asleep and I was left awake. Made me realize I am not a man of great faith towards God, honestly, I’ve never been to a church for quite sometime, I was so filled with so many things that made me forgot about going to the house of God. It really feels uncomfortable to see yourself in the house of God and have your thoughts floating and not keenly listening to what the priest is saying.
Our religion tells us to attend the mass on Sundays; it is a way of showing our love towards God. When was the last time that I visited the house of God? I really can’t remember. But I do believe in His power. There came a time that I definitely know that I’m in great quandary, and being a person of less words, I am having second thought of sharing my fears to other people around me, I found my self tightly closing my eyes and whispering “God, please I know I’ve been bad…It’s my fault to get myself in this situation… Can you please lead me out of this?” and who am I to receive such blessing of having a listening God? He always saves me. Not just one time… but for so many times…with that, I wanted my Gin to have that great faith towards Him.
I don’t have that much in life,
But I managed to shift my way of thinking.
I paused and contemplated on what’s happening around me …
- Every breath that I take in every single day of my life is a blessing.
I had a friend, full of life, full of dreams, after college he was able to finish the training out from boot camps, earned himself his rank in the PNP… after a week of posting as patrol in the city, he died leaving a wife and some children. Just like that. And it’s so sad.
I saw a t.v program wherein they featured a story about Geraldine. Geraldine did suffer great pain, and with her condition, I envy her spirit. She developed a kidney disease, failed her health, lost her physical beauty, but she never lost the beauty within her. So glad that until the last days of her life she never lost the light as a mother to her four boys, she remained beautiful in her husband’s eyes. She never feared death. Most of us feared death so much. I’m one of them.
Death is not the end.
It is Nature’s expert advice to get plenty of life.
-Goethe
- It is not in how much you have in your account that matters most.
I used to work in a company wherein I have to spend two hour of commute towards the workplace, spend twelve hours of my life checking on the activity in that workplace, two hours will be spent on my way back home, and occasionally the company will request you to work during your rest day. What’s left for my Gin was an hour before and after work. I’m working for her, but my work is stealing the time that I should be spending with her. I’m so caught in the middle. I paused. I’ve decided that my child only had one childhood and it must be adequately guided. I resigned from my work. I have to fill my absence as a mother to Gin. I’m always absent. Even now that I’m physically present inside our house, sometimes I’m mentally absent. Sighs. I oftentimes find myself in her comfort of reminding me to relax.
Realize your true priorities. Sometimes we get preoccupied about what happened in our past or what we should do about tomorrow and tend to forget that we should be attending in our affairs today. Live life one-step at a time. Savor each moment. Live today. Have time to relax. Have some cup of coffee. Keep in mind that yesterday ended last night.
Sometimes I get this kind of thinking wherein I question the way things are. Sometimes I forgot to count my blessing and blame Him whenever I get myself into trouble. I paused, thought about those people that have something better than what I have, I realized that I have less worries than them. Some people, they have something more than what they need they tend to forget the value of simple things. They even forget to smile, sigh and tell themselves that they are contented and enjoy the fruits of their labor.
Oftentimes, whenever I get to go somewhere, I see those people who have less than what I have, sometimes life is so unfair, but you can’t always blame it to the government why you have to see beggars in the streets. Every day I see those beggars, those people with physical malformations on t.v., all that I can do was to thank whoever is up there, that He didn’t gave such burden. I am such a demanding person to be asking for more when I already have so much to be thankful for.
One time my Ginnie, as we we’re entering a clinic, she saw a girl with a large tumor in her neck, she couldn’t take her eyes off the girl, I wanted to take her attention away from the girl, talked her out, pointed on some posters and charts but maybe she really can’t help it. I gave her a sharp look, and she understood why I did. On our way back home, she asked: “Ma, does the lump on the girl’s neck hurts?” I answered, “I don’t know if it always does, but for sure it does hurt sometimes, but the hurt will proliferate if other people give her a inquisitive look as if she looks differently”. Sometimes I use that thought to lure her away from eating junk foods. So cruel of me, but I hope that girl survives and all those other kids that are having problems with their health.
What matters most is the list that they have up there
And St. Peter will recite that to you.
- Those people that I’ve lost; they’re gone for a reason.
When I get to meet new people and have them listed in my invisible friend’s list, I was so filled up with plans on getting to know them even more. Every people that I meet are a good egg in my basket, even if sometime they already have some cracks on their shell. When I get to meet new people in person, or online... I wanted to put them inside a jar and cover it so that I can keep them in, just for myself, but definitely that is so selfish of me… I am much more being happy if they gain more friends aside from which that they have met through me. I can’t provide all the happiness that they would need all I can do was to be a friend to them if they need me.
Theresa taught me some good things. I couldn’t remember if she taught me some bad things. The last time that I talked to her was when I found her on friendster. After one reply, she deleted her account leaving no traces about her. That was one thing that made me thankful about having an account in friendster. Awe poor friendster, they’ll be changing the image of that site from a social networking into a gaming site.
When I finally managed to familiarize myself on youtube website, I get to know some pretty good people around it. I used to religiously click on the “Add as friend” button before I log off, but some turn of events left me trying to keep up on my friend invitation list. On that site, you can actually tell who’s the real friend, the teacher, the hater, seller, who’s the sub 4sub account, and Gee that site is full of pretty talented peeps that could really level up with the artist in the mainstream. And within my page, everyone is welcome to join my family. The only thing that I was really having trouble with was my inability to get back to the sites that I have visited in a sooner time. Sometimes it really hurts when I check on their links only to find out that the account was either deleted or has been suspended.
There are no rules in friendship.
When I met Theresa, she was like a sister to me. She’s even more of a sister to me than my own siblings. I never had any picture of her or a picture of us together. But I remember every detail of her charm.
When we took an exam, finals I think… we exchanged papers. Hahaha. We religiously recited the song “We Could Be In love” by Lea Salonga, and burst into laughter whenever we did some crazy things around the schoolyard. She helped me in school projects. Named some flowers and plants, Gee I thought she’s Poison Ivy, she knew every single plant in the botanical garden in our school. She knows how to play the piano. But what I love most about her was the color of her skin. After the announcement about recognition day, me, Theresa and Ricardo, her brother, got the top slot in class. Being me in the middle. But they never showed up on the day that we’re supposed to get the medals.
After her, I never allowed anyone in.
Your friends are the brothers and sister that God forgot to give to your parents.
“People come, people go, that’s life.” These were the exact words that my boyfriend told me when I told him that I’d be going abroad for some work. I could either agree or disagree in this statement... I have my own reasons. I wanted to assure him that even If I go abroad I would stay the same that I still belong to him. But how can I console him when he is filled with thoughts of me leaving him alone again? I’m quite relieved that I wasn’t able to go. He’s so fragile. I don’t want to end up breaking his heart. In my own way, I am always reassuring him that I will never leave him, even if there’s a thought at the back of my mind that he’s the one who’s more likely to leave me in vain. That’s all I can do, love him, I can never force him to love me back. It’s up to him if he wants to return the love. End result, I found myself making a video of one of the songs that really influenced the first week of our relationship hahahaha.. Duh!!! Haha sometimes just a thought of him makes me wanna sing “One Fine Day” by Natalie Merchant.
Sometimes, All you can do was to show them how lucky you are that they somehow became part of your life. You appreciate the time that you have spent with one another. Those moments that will make you smile when they tend to flash in the back of your lucid mind. The least you can do for yourself was to make special memories that are worth looking back. Make the best out of everything. At least try to be more at the happy side of the world around you. Having some cup of coffee in the morning is the best way to start your day.
Memories, sometimes it behaves in a crazy way…
They leave you alone when you are in the crowd…
But when you are alone, they stand with you like a crowd.
I am firmly holding on to these realizations whenever I’m about to get a rope and wanted to have it around my neck...suicidal? hahahaha .Silly. Perhaps, as you grow older you will realize that sometimes, out of the five W’s and one H, the most difficult question to answer was “WHY?” …
I’m sorry; I don’t have any idea in writing. I did it my way. Freestyle. What I’ve written around here is filled with the word “sometimes” or “oftentimes”, “Most of the time”.
This was done without any knowledge on the rules. It’s evident that the flow of thoughts jumps…if I study writing, I will be left with no choice but to abandon my idea of freedom. If you always obey the rules, you’ll miss out some of the fun. :D
You, what have you done lately?
Awe, before I forget…I’ll always be wishing you a happy lifetime of the very best in music, love, hope, inspiration, friendship and faith...Do what you love to do...Do what makes you happy...Never ever let anybody or anything pull you down...Have fun. Enjoy life...live your life to the fullest...Live your dreams...Never stop believing!!!! Yihee!! Cheers for the love of life :) whoot whoot!!! Who wants to join the ride???
Hugs!!!!
Chryss
p.s… (Disclaimer note) (hahahaha)
I was not really into blogging. I just have the need to do this to escape boredom.
And I have a great fear on the quote: “Idle hands are the devil’s playground”. He had me once…if you want to ask for anything…except money… (I don’t have spare hehehe) and don’t go asking for my hand…. I won’t be able to type. hahahahha
Channel 25 said… The most important thing is to never stop asking questions.
But sometimes I don’t put that in practice. Because there is something in me that definitely know the answers to my own questions. I better keep my mouth shut. And do the nod nod!!!
Just a thought: There is always a way to be honest without being brutal. If ever that you find anything wrong like sheen on my nose, grammatical errors or anything… “TELL IT TO ME “DIRECTLY” J
If you don’t have an account in this site you can send your mail to
chryssanthemum_spinnaker@rocketmail.com
Answers to your inquiry are free of charge. I’m a natural blah blah. Hahahahahahaha
Do place “Hi chryss, just a question” as subject so that I can attend to your message.
Chill out, Relax, Sit back and enjoy life to the fullest.
If you want to be a singer, practice singing.
If your mind is telling you to do something bad…Remember what Pinnochio said… Let your conscience be your guide.
If you want to write, feed your mind.
But when it comes to scribing your feelings, let your heart be your guide.
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